Painful Yearnings
“You don’t look well”.
No response.
“Are you sick?”
Still expressionless.
“Would you like me to leave?”
She rises, lifts up her jacket which had been draped over the back of her chair.
“Please, don’t go!”
“He talks?”
“It hurts!”
“It hurts for you to talk?”
“No.”
Suzanne sits back down.
“What’s going on, Ethan?”
“That’s maybe the scariest part. I’m not sure”.
“You trust me?”
“More than anyone”.
She takes no satisfaction in his proclamation. How can she help him, where to start?”
“What hurts, Ethan?”
“I want something. Yearn for it!”
“And you can’t pinpoint this desire?”
“It’s overwhelming, Suzanne. Paralysis has set in. I don’t know where to even begin to look”.
She stares deeply into his eyes, looking for clues.
“Maybe you ought to seek professional help”.
“I have. I am. Nothing. If anything, it’s getting worse”.
“Maybe you need some medication, perhaps it’s chemical”.
“Believe me, Suzanne, if I thought it would be of any help, I’d take them in a heartbeat. No, it’s out there, I want it so badly”.
Suzanne does not project even a hint of exasperation.
“Have you ever yearned?”
She gives it some thought.
“In the sense in which I believe you’re using the term, I believe I can recall but one such experience”.
“I’m listening”.
“I yearned for my Mother’s cancer to go away”.
“Did it hurt?”
“The yearning part?”
“Yes”.
She thought for a short while. “Maybe, but the alternative was unbearable, unbearably unthinkable”.
“Which was?”
“The alternative was a complete loss of hope”.
Somehow, this struck a chord in Ethan.
“One could rightfully say that you were in a ‘no win’ situation”.
“Not true. She could have recovered”.
“But she didn’t. So you yearned, and had your heart broken. Maybe giving up on hope would have been a wiser path for you to have taken”.
“Try, Ethan. Talk. If you obtain ‘it’, what will you have? What would change?”
These inquiries jarred something loose. A semblance of clarity, minute at first, began to emerge. And then, it burst forth.
“Definitive purpose. That’s it, Suzanne, you’re a genius. That is what I yearn for!”
“Is this an existential angst, a God thing?”
After a short while, he replied, “maybe. Could be. But I’m not absolutely certain”.
“I am. Certain, that is. And now it is you who finds himself in a ‘no win’ situation”.
“How’s that?”
Suzanne approached Ethan, and sat on his lap. She kissed him ever so gently on his forehead.
“Love, Ethan. You want purpose? Love all, unconditionally. The rest will follow. There is no thinking your way out of your condition. You will be searching for phantoms”.
Suzanne stayed the night. They held each other tightly until sleep finally overtook the embracing couple.
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